JUNE "100 Words Or Less" Writing Challenge ~ WINNERS & CRITIQUE COMMENTARY from Emily Wright

[Emily Wright]

June “100 Words Or Less” Writing Challenge

A picture is worth a hundred words.

Here's the picture:

 

 

    It's a picture of two people seemingly out for a fun drive and... (no, waitaminute, waitaminute - that was the set up for our last writing challenge!)

 

    Oh. Here it is:

    It was one of the more memorable news photos of 2011. In the midst of a violent Vancouver street riot, a moment of love and tenderness had somehow found a place to blossom.

 

     BACKGROUND: On the night of June 15^th, the Vancouver Canucks lost the final game of the Stanley Cup Finals to the Boston Bruins. Vancouver hockey fans, fuedl by adenalin and alcohol, let their anger explode in one of the worst riots ever experienced in the city. As the mob moved away from Rogers Stadium and up Georgia Street, bricks were thrown, store windows broken, merchandise stolen, fires started everywhere, including the torching of several police cars. Riot police pushed forward with battle shields and batons, firing tear gas cannisters and plastic bullets into the crowd. Local hospital emergency rooms admitted 150 injured rioters, one in critical condition. At least four people were stabbed, and nine police officers were wounded, several with bite marks. More than a hundred people were arrested, and property damage was estimated at more than five-million dollars.

 

     Photographer Richard Lam, who took the photo, said it went like this:

     “...The riot police on foot took over. They charged at the crowd to push everyone back. They do that in waves. It's like a 20 meter run... They come at you pretty hard when they want to clear you out.

     “...I looked back and saw two people on the street. My first instinct was that she was run over by the riot squad and that she was hurt... That's what they do. If you can't run, you get knocked down and then they come back and clean things up. And here are two people in the middle of the street waiting to get cleaned up.”

 

     THE CHALLENGE: Tell us about the people involved and the dramatic event that led up to this image. “Set the scene,” as they say. You can start your story months or minutes before you get to the “pay-off.” The pay-off is the image above. Your story should end with the image.

 

     Oh, yes... And tell your story in 100 words or less.

 

     HOW TO ENTER: Simply fill in your entry as a "comment" to this blog (below) and then click on "Add comment." One entry will naturally follow another as they're added, so we can enjoy each one and see who the author is.

     Remember the two simple rules: End with the image in mind, and tell us what's going on in 100 words or less.

DEADLINE IS Thursday, July 5th at high noon.

 

     BEST ENTRIES will be lauded and applauded at our General Membership Meeting, July 7th, at the Glendale Public Library. If you're chosen the best, be prepared to stand and read your entry to the admiration and envy of everyone there! Of course, we'll have the illustration displayed right behind you.

     Be inventive, be creative. Most of all, have fun!

[Emily Wright]

The Judges Have Voted And The Results Are In!

1. Dallas Bancroft, "Protection" Total: 22

2. Lauretta C., "Reality Show"   Total: 21

3. Don Casual, "Then he turned"  Total: 20

4. Gerald Aho, "In...universe"   Total: 18

5. Sue Osborn, "Not in Kansas"   Total: 9 

6. Lauretta C., "MarxL & J'Ain"  Total: 8 

7. Albert Yeznaian, "Public Sex" Total: 7 

8. James Schendel, "Canuck This" Total: 6 

    

   Critique and commentary for all entries

   can be found immediately below each entry.
   

[Emily Wright]

THIS WRITERS CHALLENGE IS NOW CLOSED!

Congratulations to all those who entered.

Winners will be announced at this Saturday's (July 7th) GMM

and here on our Web Site on Sunday!

[Sidse Powell]

Josh and Lindsey, two peace corp recruits step off the sidewalk.

"It'll work! I'm sure of it," Josh says, gently leading his girlfriend into the street. 

Lindsey weakly resists, "What if you're wrong?"

"If you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything!"

"Are you kidding? Lame quotes aren't gonna get my skirt off!" Lindsey says.

"We can do this,” Josh pleads, “They need the message."

"What if they identify us?"

"That doesn't matter - You matter. I matter. The world matters!"

Lindsey stares, afraid but in love.

"Okay, but remind me in jail why we make love, not war."

Critique: This is the first entry in a somewhat confusing trend of writing in the present tense (e.g., "..step off the sidewalk," “...gently leading his girlfriend into the street” as opposed to "...stepped off the sidewalk," and “...gently led her into the street.”) Sure, we may have added a word, but we're now telling a story rather than visually reporting how we saw it. It's not a big deal, and the way Sidse sees the story certainly gives her writing a unique voice – and if that's the way she likes it, that's the way she likes it. What my literary background "sees" is the way an outline to a screenplay scene is written: "Then so-and-so does this, and then so-and-so says this, and then..." I call it "being in the on-going moment" - as opposed to "living in the past tense" where so-and-so did this, and then so-and-so said this, and then..."

Since we're in a two-person dialogue, the dialogue tag aren't always necessary. The reader understands each new line of dialogue comes from the other speaker. Story gets tighter and you've picked up an extra word count that can be used effectively elsewhere. Last line should be “Okay, but remind me why we made love, not war,” keeping the future event "(when we're) in jail" relative to the past event, "(when) we made love, not war."

I thought the dialogue in here was terrific. Honest and real. I love the way Sidse uses dialogue near the top, leaving the reader to wonder “What'll work? What is he sure of? Where is he taking her?” Making the reader ask questions and becoming involved with the story right at the top is the way to do it. I think the judges were way off base not scoring this entry higher.

[Lauretta Coumarbatch]

HE: You're not doing it like we practiced!

SHE: But I got trampled... now it's like I can't breathe.

HE: Ah, suck it up and make it convincing.

SHE: Like that cheap wedding ring you bought me?

She pouts mutinously.

HE: You're the one who wants a reality show. So, it's this or a sex tape. 

She sighs as he looks hurriedly over his shoulder.

HE: Quick, some cops and papparazzi are coming.             (Sp.)

She feigns a swoon and let's his kiss "revive" her.                ("lets," not "let's")

HE: (smugly) Reality show heaven, here we come.               (do parentheticize; work it in)

She whispers, "Ca-ching"

Critique: A smart, humorous way to look at the lengths people will go to get their own reality show. And, here again, we're witness to another person who enjoys writing in the present tense, like we're blindfolded story participants who have to listen to the author describe what's happening on the screen at the front of the theater.  And I quickly tired of the “HE:”-”SHE:”-“HE:”-”SHE:”-“HE:”-”SHE:” dialogue routine, even as smart as the dialogue was.  Dialogue isn't written like this, Lauretta - at least not good dialogue. I doubt I would have had any problem following what was being said and by whom without these “HE:”-”SHE:” LOUD CAPITALIZED SET-UPS. If you're going to use “She pouts,” “She sighs,””She whispers,” get rid of all that extraneous, distracting crap. Go with the meat of the story and not the fat:

“You're not doing it like we practiced!” he whined.

“But I got trampled,” she whimpered. “Now it's like I can't breathe.”

“Ah, suck it up and make it convincing.”

“Like that cheap wedding ring you bought me?” she pouted mutinously.

“You're the one who wants a reality show. So, it's this or a sex tape.”

She sighed as he looked over his shoulder.

“Quick, some cops and papparazzi are coming.”

She feigned a swoon and lets his kiss "revive" her.

“Reality show heaven,” he smiled, “here we come.”

"Ca-ching!" she whispered. (100 words)

Learn how to spell “paparazzi,” Lauretta; it's a word we use a lot these days.

I loved the way you gave a special interpretation to the photo. Really great!

[Gerald W. Aho]

As they walk hand in hand out of the park it was as if the looming Vancouver skyline, the growling of the approaching mob, the howling sirens did not exist. After all, they are in love. No logic, no plan, just two becoming one. Bonding by embrace and kiss the two remains still as a sea of rioters floods the square where the lovers stand engulfing them in a roiling, bubbling whirlpool of violence. The riot police soon follow, sweeping the angry tide aside with only the two lovers left laying as one, invisible and unharmed in their own universe.

Judge's Note:  Two of the judges were sure a Gerald Aho entry would finish #1 - after all, he's finished 2nd and 3rd in the last two Writing Challenges, and the third time's supposed to be a charm. But Gerald's "In Their Own Universe" entry finished out of the money in 4th place. Still, the fact that Gerald's enties always finish near the top of every challenge deserves applause.

Critique: Gee... another story written in the present tense. There's either a diabolical conspiracy here or I'm missing a critical trend in modern day fiction.

I feel critiquing someone as good writer as Gerald is tantamount to nit-picking. But Gerald, I have found, is nothing if not forgiving, so here goes:

A lot of use of gerunds (“xxxxing”) at the top there, Gerald. I wonder how it might have worked writing to a more anthropomorphic eye and ear: “...as if the imperious Vancouver skyline, the growl of the approaching mob, the siren howls did not exist.” It still flows.  And that's what you have to like about Gerald's entry: a smooth flow of words describing the contrapuntal craziness surrounding two quiet hearts in love. Sweet.

[albert yeznaian]

Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt were about to make love in public for their new comedy called Public Sex. For that they were surrounded by Vancouver police in their riot gears to protect them from the public and paparazzis like the one who took this picture.

Critique: A really good concept for the photo, Albert, but there's no development or payoff. You begin with the idea and then it fizzles out.  You should have considered using that concept as the payoff to your story. Here's the set-up: Screaming fans waving autograph books and photo cameras, held back by baton-wielding riot police. Smoke machines. Kleig lights. What's going on? Who are those people out in the middle of the street? Suddenly, a loudspeaker voice yells "Action!" and Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie's new movie, "Public Sex," was on it's way to cinematic history!

Always think about where the main idea of your story should be revealed. At the begging? In the middle? At the end? Remember: timing................. is everything.

[Brian Dalton]

Things have been rough for Jimmy as of late. His world came spiraling down when his father died. Three weeks later Janet left him. That fateful night among he felt like he was in hell among all of the thievery and violence. Then he saw her. The young woman from the stadium. She was beautiful. “If such a nice girl can find love in this violence maybe things aren't so bad,” Jimmy thought. “I'm gonna get out of this riot gear, go home and work on my screenplay.”

Critique: You're my hero, Brian. At last, someone is writing this story from an unexpected perspective: Not from that of the couple embracing out on the street, but from the mind of one of the riot policemen. I, myself, would have dropped the details of death and desertion, and just focused on Jimmy's pathetic depression. Then a beautiful, innocent girl on the curb steals his heart and offers up some hope that he can find a better world. But the girl quickly hooks up with some "bad boy" in the middle of the street. Oh, well... He can always go home and work on his screenplay. Only a writer (that would be us) could find the delicious, pathetic humor in it.

[Dallas Bancroft]

I would simply put a caption next to the couple making love in the middle of the street as this:

"WHEN YOU SAID YOU USED PROTECTION, YOU WEREN'T KIDDING".

Critique: Fist Place Entry! Judge's note: "Dallas Bancroft's 9-word humorous entry took two of the judges by such surprise that one spilled his coffee all over his lap and another dropped his Poptart on the floor. Proof positive that the number of words in a story don't always equate to their impact. Sometimes less is more."

[Don Casual]

     Paul's plans for taking his fiancé, Sheila, and his cousin Vinnie to the hockey game had been cancelled when his police unit was called up for crowd control earlier in the day.

     He stroked his riot baton, scanning the mob behind as his unit charged deeper into the crowd up the street. His job was rear action clean-up, and it sometimes got ugly.

     Still, he was happy knowing that Sheila and Vinnie had gone on to the game and had a good time - although he wasn't happy about the way Vinnie kept looking at Sheila.

     Then he turned and stared.

 

Critique: Third Place Entry! Judge's note: "Don's entry, 'And Then He Turned,' was not only well written, but it actually ended with a punchline that made the reader look at the photo - an actual "rule" of the competition.  Unfortunately, one judge caught Don going one word over the "100 Words Or Less" rule and gave him a lesser score, possibly costing Don First or Second place in the Writing Challenge."

 

[Lauretta Coumarbatch]

Lars and bought a life-like inflatable doll called Lela to

show his drunk rioting hockey buddies that he was " a

player". But Lela was torn as they navigated the unruly

crowd and she was deflating very rapidly. Herman puts his

lips to Lela's and blows air desperately as furious cops

and curious camera crews approach. "Come on, baby.... Inflate..." he

coaxes. Suddenly,  the doll's eyes blink. Lela sputters and comes

to life. "Thanks!  A witch cast a spell on me and-  

"Oh, yeah", Herman interrupts, "I saw that movie, too!"

Critique: A bit of a reach referencing the movie "Lars and The Real Girl," but the concept of some guy laying out on the street trying to blow up an inflatable plastic doll in the middle of a full blown riot gets points. I would have just gone with the inflatable doll without any Lars reference (a movie that flew well under the radar a few years ago.) The magical ending left me a little tired reading the trite "awoken with a kiss" motif, and I would have liked something different, something totally unexpected... like the doll exploding and then... and then...